


Garreg Mach Varsity Blues

by idanato



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Coming Out, Crushes, Faerghus is canada, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, an impossible high school, but everyone's cool in the end, mall rats, varsity sports
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:42:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21622414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idanato/pseuds/idanato
Summary: Ingrid wants to play ice hockey but that's a boys sport. Hubert loves hockey, hates ice. Annette really thinks it was a mistake she's on the wrestling team, and while everyone knocks it, Coach Byleth's Frisbee Golf is truly the greatest sport at the school.[AU: Everyone is a senior at a boarding school where you must participate in a team sport, and the only war being fought is against gender-locked sports.]
Relationships: Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra
Comments: 3
Kudos: 54





	1. Team Assignments

Hockey was no joke at Garreg Mach Prep, the very small and experimental high school associated with Garreg Mach University. Students from all over Fodlan had competed to get into the exclusive 24 spot senior year class. It was said that doing well here pretty much guaranteed acceptance into the University, and so Ingrid was super excited when she got in with her closest friends. They all hailed from the northern city of Fhirdiad, a two hour drive from campus, and were living in the dorms of the prestigious prep school.

The boys ice hockey team and the girls field hockey team, led by Coach Cath and Coach S respectively, were both the pinnacle of competitive team sports at the school. Everyone had to do a sport, but they didn’t necessarily get to choose which. Generally getting onto the wrestling team or frisbee golf was easy because there were way more spots than interested students, but the hockey teams and cheerleading each only had six precious spaces.

This was probably why Coach S was giving Ingrid so much flack right now. “Faster Galatea!”

Laps, why’d it have to be laps?! Ingrid was the fastest ice skater at this school, but thanks to the gender locked sports teams she was playing field hockey instead of ice hockey. She was okay at running, but she was falling far behind Captain Center Forward Edelgard and Right Forward Petra. As Left Forward, Ingrid had to keep up. Leonie was passing her, oh no, now even Lysithea! There went midfield. At least the goalie, Bernadetta, was behind her.

“Do you even want this?” Coach S challenged.

 _No! I want to be playing ice hockey_ , Ingrid wished she could scream. Instead she managed a weak, “Yes I want it!”

***

Ferdinand’s repeated requests to add Polo to the sports lineup of the private school were denied. He understood the importance of playing a sport, but he wished that students could elect to do the sport they wanted rather than getting assigned by the coaches. He looked at what he’d been assigned to, “Cheerleading?” He sighed, pretending like he wasn’t delighted. Obviously he had put ice hockey down as his top choice, anyone who cared about looking cool did, but Ferdinand had stood no chance in those tryouts. Cheering and holding up the bottom of the pyramid was much more his speed than crashing into sweaty guys with sticks.

Next to him, another Enbarr native, Dorothea was bemoaning that drama _was_ a sport, and that she didn’t understand why there wasn’t a dance team to join. Ferdinand smiled, at least now Dorothea would have to set aside her disdain for him, for the sake of the sport! He knew they were going to become great friends.

As for the other cheerleaders, well, Ferdinand would befriend them too. Hilda, Lorenz, and Claude seemed to know what they were doing. Mercedes was looking a little concerned, she was sure Annette was going to make the cheer squad too. All Ferdinand saw was a new crew of best friends.

***

“Surely there was a mistake,” started Annette as she looked at her team assignment.

“No, no mistakes,” promised Coach Alois with a warm and encouraging smile. “Welcome to the wrestling team!”

Annette gulped as she looked at Caspar and Raphael in the weight room. She was certain that she was going to get cheer squad, and if not, surely frisbee golf. But wrestling team? Annette was pretty sure she was going to die.

***

Hubert felt Felix slam into him for the fifth time this practice. “Learn to skate Vestra,” warned Felix as he glided backwards. Maybe Hubert could murder Felix with a well placed skate to the eye, and make it look like an accident. Coach Cath would definitely bench him for that.

The guys from Faerghus -- Dimitri, Sylvain, Felix, Dedue, and Ashe -- were skating circles around him, literally and figuratively. Hubert wanted to yell that he was good at hockey, he just wasn’t from a frozen hell hole. Put him on non slippery ground and he would own these tools.

Coach Cath scoffed, “Vestra, if you don’t get better at skating soon, I’m sending you to frisbee golf.”

Hubert groaned, there was no friggin’ way he was frolicking in a field with those losers. He’d get better, he had to.

***

Linhardt, Ignatz, and Marianne tossed frisbees to each other happily in a field. Coach Byleth was by far the chillest coach at school and most days practice ended early with them chatting leisurely in a circle about life. Frisbee golf was truly the hidden gem of Garreg Mach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possibly the dumbest fanfic idea I've had yet?


	2. Ice Hockey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hubert knows anything can be a weapon, even a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, trigger warning time, Hubert is the victim of homophobic graffiti on his truck at the hands of the assholes from his old high school. This is the only serious homophobia in this fic, but it weighs heavily on the minds of some other students later on.

The first ice hockey game of the year was the cause for much fan fair. It seemed like almost everyone’s parents on the team had come out to cheer them on against Enbarr High School’s team. The cheerleading team was also getting to try out their new stand cheers. They weren’t exactly in sync but they were trying!

Ferdinand winced as that bad player got decked again. It was like the Enbarr team had picked him out and decided that was who they were going to target all night. Wisely no one from Garreg Mach was passing him the puck.

Ferdinand didn’t generally like the ice rink, but Hilda had convinced Coach Manuela to invest in the most delightful fluffy pink ear muffs for the cheer team. It truly made cheering from the stands in the frigid arena so much better. Plus they got to wear their cool gold and black winter windbreakers. Ferdinand was having a great time.

The girl’s hockey team was sitting as a block, but Ingrid was practically pressed against the plastic. She was yelling at the ref and Coach Cath was agreeing with her. Ladies from Faerghus didn’t mess around when it came to hockey! Ferdinand would have to read up on the rules, because he had no idea what was happening other than that they were losing. He wondered how different field hockey would be, their first game was Saturday. That’s when they would do their first actual cheer routine.

“I didn’t understand hockey until I saw Dimitri,” said Lorenz from the next row down with an approving glance at the stunning hockey captain. “Now I’ll never miss a game.”

Dorothea rolled her eyes and continued to braid Ferdinand’s growing hair. It was just past his ears and he was thinking of growing it out completely. She loved his orange locks, but she was still lukewarm on him. Ferdinand was sure she’d come around.

Ferdinand’s attention returned to the rink as someone started shouting at that bad player. It was a Garreg Mach player, the short fast one. He threw down his stick and shoved the much taller one. Ferdinand knew almost nothing about hockey but he had thought the fights were supposed to be between opposing players, not teammates.

“Oh my, cat fight,” whispered Lorenz as the gloves came off, then the helmets. The short one was trying to get in the tall ones face but he was too short. He took a swing! Ferdinand was on the edge of his seat. There was suddenly a lot more blood than Ferdinand expected and the tall one was tackling the short one. The team’s massive goalie had abandoned his post to help tear the two apart. The short one had a pretty tight hold on the tall one as the massive Duscar hailing goalie got them up and was still screaming at him. Ferdinand was shocked as the tall one sneered and then proceeded to kiss the short one right on the lips.

“What the,” started Ferdinand. He watched in shock as the surprised short hockey player released the tall one and pushed him away. The short one got all flustered as he was escorted off the ice into the penalty box while the tall one, who was bleeding pretty profusely down his chin, flipped off the other player and laughed his way into getting ejected for the rest of the game. “Who was that?” demanded Ferdinand.

“Vestra,” whispered Lorenz with disdain. “We have reason block together, he’s gross.”

Dorothea grimaced at Lorenz behind his back. Ferdinand knew she was also in reason block. She finished the little plait of Ferdinand’s hair, “He’s not gross, he’s just not noble enough for you.”

“But why, why did he just kiss that other boy?” Ferdinand was much more interested in that.

Lorenz rolled his eyes, “Vestra will use anything to get under someone’s skin, literally anything, even beautiful romantic gestures.”

Dorothea mimed a gagging motion while Ferdinand tried not to giggle. Unfortunately with the short player off the ice Enbarr High School solidified their lead and there would be no catching up to seal the win.

***

Hubert felt very stupid for ignoring Coach Cath’s no jewelry on the ice rule. Felix’s ring, apparently his dead brother’s which he never took off, had hooked Hubert’s lip ring and torn it straight up through his lip when Felix punched him. The school nurse, Manuela, was presently stitching him up while Coach Cath called his father. Hubert had told her that his dad wouldn’t answer but she was still trying the line, only pausing to yell at their team as they continued to lose.

“Well, no more lip ring,” said Manuela as she finished stitching up the bloody path it had torn through his face. “And one fresh black eye.” She passed him the ice pack. This was just what Hubert wanted, to press a cold pack against his skin in the freezing hockey arena. He had been incredibly unpopular at Enbarr High School, and was well on his way to being the least popular person at Garreg Mach Prep. Felix, despite his clear anger issues, was somehow very cool and Hubert was the asshole who was costing them the game.

After the game, Coach Cath had wanted to have a talk about the fight with Felix, Hubert, and their parents. Felix’s father had been at the game and was still scolding Felix for starting the fight. Coach Cath could be heard sighing with exasperation as she came out of her office, “Is there another number I can try?” Of course his dad hadn’t picked up; he missed everything and Hubert had gotten used to it.

Hubert shook his head, “He works second shift, he’s not going to leave work for this.”

“Surely he has his cell phone on him,” challenged Coach Cath. “This is really serious Vestra.”

“He’s a home care aid,” said Hubert. “He can’t leave.” His father especially couldn’t leave Mr. Hresvelg, who required round the clock care at this stage in his illness.

Coach Cath frowned and then went to apologize to Mr. Fraldarius for keeping him waiting after the game and explained that they would arrange a meeting for a future date. Hubert was asked to wait until Felix had cleared out before going to the locker room, to prevent any additional fighting.

“Vestra, you can’t just kiss people without consent,” sighed Coach Cath as they waited.

“I know,” whispered Hubert. It had been a desperate bid to get Felix to leave him alone. “I didn’t know how else to get him to let go.”

“And you thought kissing him was a good idea?”

Hubert smirked, “Maybe if I’m the big scary gay guy in the locker room he’ll stay away from me.” He was big, he was scary, and as far as the student body of Garreg Mach knew, he was the only gay guy. 

“Or he’ll just mess with you more,” said Coach Cath with a shake of her head. “Look I didn’t have the balls to be out in high school, but you have to be careful okay? I don’t think that the guys on the team will have a problem with you, they seem like a decent bunch, but it was a big crowd tonight. Not everyone is open minded.”

Hubert understood her point too perfectly. There was a reason why his old classmates were dogging him on the ice all night. Enbarr HS was not exactly progressive.

By the time he and Coach Cath walked out of the arena, the parking lot was all but cleared out. Hubert stared at his truck with a massive sinking feeling in his stomach. Someone had smashed his windshield and tagged his piece of shit pickup.

“Oh my goddess,” hissed Coach Cath as she read the offensive slur that rhymed with maggot decorating the dented hood of Hubert’s truck. “Who the fuck did this?”

“We were playing my old school,” sighed Hubert, feeling a familiar nausea building. “I was even less popular there than I am here.” The only reason he was at Garreg Mach Prep for his senior year was because Edelgard had begged her father to help pay Hubert’s tuition. She was terrified of leaving him behind at Enbarr HS when she transferred, and while he didn’t want to admit it, he was afraid to be alone there too. She was essentially his only friend, and if his old classmates were willing to do this to his car at an away game there was no telling what they’d do to him in a isolated hallway or locker room.

“We’re calling the police,” said Cath, her phone out and already dialing.

Hubert quietly waited on the curb with his coach as the officer came and wrote up a report. Hubert called his insurance provider, and set an appointment for getting his windshield replaced with one of those come-to-you services. The insurance would cover half of the windshield, but not a new paint job. Hubert did the math in his head and sighed, this was going to be a lot of shifts at the mall to make up for the cost.

“Is anyone going to be home when you get back?”

“My dad is done work at midnight,” said Hubert.

“What about your mom?”

Hubert shrugged, “She lives in,” Hubert paused, did he even know anymore? He hadn’t heard anything from her since he turned sixteen, “She doesn’t live in Enbarr.”

“What’s for dinner?” tried Cath. Damn she was persistent.

“A hot pocket,” said Hubert. Probably a pepperoni one that would burn the shit out of the top of his mouth.

“Nope,” said Cath as she texted her wife Shamir, “You’re having dinner at my place, and then I will drive you home.”

“I can’t just leave my truck here,” protested Hubert.

“You can’t drive it around like that, you can’t see out of the windshield!”

Hubert sighed, “Fine.” The last thing he needed was the expense of getting pulled over for having a very broken windshield. 

***

Shamir was giving Cath her typical annoyed stare as she portioned out dinner for five instead of four. Cath had this bad habit of ‘adopting’ strays without warning -- cats, dogs, people -- and Shamir was not into it. Cyril’s adoption was planned and all good, but Cath had also insisted they take in Byleth when Coach Jeralt had passed away all of a sudden, leaving his weird quiet kid lost and alone in the world. That had been three years ago and Byleth showed no signs of leaving. Cath thought it was great, but Shamir hadn’t asked for the possibly autistic adult roommate. Now Cath was bringing home yet another lost kid.

Cath would explain it later, right now she was too worked up about the vandalizing of Hubert’s truck. “So I have to ask, how often does your dad work this late?”

“He does second shift every weekday,” said Hubert as he folded his slice of pizza in half. This was a step up from a hot pocket, it was homemade, it had vegetables dammit! Cath thought Hubert looked like he needed more protein and iron, he was rather anemic looking. Maybe she could slip him some real food at lunch or something.

“So you spend weekends together?” Cath was not going to stop probing. She had to know if one of her students was being neglected.

“Uh, no, I come to the field hockey games on Saturday, and do landscaping on Sundays. I work at the mall in the evenings,” said Hubert reluctantly.

“Do you see your dad at all?” Cath finally asked.

“Maybe they don’t want to see each other,” said Shamir, clearly unamused by the line of questioning. She was biased, she had left home at 18 and had no communication with her parents in Dagda. “Maybe it’s none of our business.”

“Do you have any adult supervision outside of school?” Cath could barely consider leaving Byleth, a 23 year old, alone like that, let alone a high school senior.

Hubert shook his head, “It’s okay, I’m used to it.”

“Maybe you should come here after school,” suggested Cath as Shamir smacked her face and took a chug from her wine glass. “You could do your homework, hang out with Byleth.”

Hubert looked between the two women, “Thanks, but no thanks. I’m fine really, I can cook beyond a microwave. I do the food shopping, I know how to fix things. I’ve been functionally living on my own for years.”

***

Hubert called up Edelgard as soon as he got home to tell her everything that happened. She was pissed for him and offered to drive him to school until his truck was fixed. That wouldn’t really fix his problem of needing to get to work though. He had to drive that ugly thing or Kronya would totally fire him. He had a good job at the mall; it was easy and he was able to use the employee discount to get new clothes, which was a step up from his dad begrudgingly taking him to Costco at the start of every school year.

“We really have to fix the hood of your car,” said Edelgard.

“I was thinking of painting it myself,” said Hubert cautiously. It was because he could not afford to get it professionally painted and he could probably get it done in an afternoon. The car was a beater, it didn’t justify a fancy paint job.

“Hubert that’s going to look terrible,” reasoned Edelgard. She wasn’t wrong, it was going to look janky as hell but it couldn’t possibly be worse than it was now. “Maybe you can ask for some help?”

“What, like, go around the art classes and look for someone to graffiti it?” Hubert actually thought a graffiti covered car would look pretty sick. His Craigslist found POS was perfect for that; it wasn’t like it had any resale value.

“That’s not really what I was suggesting,” said Edelgard, but it was too late, Hubert was determined to cover the hood of his car with the most gaudy airbrushed fantasy art he could find. He was going to get a goddess-damn anatomically male pegasus splashed across it like a big middle finger directed at the assholes who did this.


	3. Training Montage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Ingrid and Hubert can help each other?

Coach S was not amused, “Galatea, why didn’t you pass?”

The answer was she wanted to score a goal for once, even though she didn’t have an opening. Instead the ball was intercepted, and they were down a point at the half. Ingrid looked up glumly at the stands and saw her parents and even her brothers sitting with Felix and Sylvain, all giving her encouraging thumb’s up. Dimitri could be seen purchasing cocoa from the concession stand for everyone. Fudge, everyone was here to see her totally disappoint the family name.

“I messed up.” Ingrid tightened her grip on her wood stick.

“Okay, next time, pass the ball to someone who can score,” snapped Coach S. She had a tough love style of coaching, but it was much more tough than loving.

The cheerleaders were doing their silly routine during the break. Their pyramid nearly fell over, it was a bit hard to watch. Ingrid braced herself for more encouraging pep talks as her teammates sucked at their water bottles and ate orange slices. She wished she was on ice, not this turf grass. Ingrid sucked in a deep breath and resolved to be a better team player.

Coach S sighed, “Look I know you’re a decent ice hockey player, and I’ve heard Vestra over there is good on grass. Maybe you two should team up and trade some tips, I think you could really help each other out.”

Ingrid looked doubtfully over at Hubert who was sitting off by himself in the stands. He had a black eye and a giant scar up his lip. Felix still cursed every time Vestra was mentioned; Ingrid couldn’t blame him too much, Vestra had stolen Felix’s first kiss. She’d seen him on the ice, he was nothing special, but then again neither was she when it came to field hockey. Ingrid took a deep breath and resolved to approach Hubert on Monday after Physics.

Leonie clapped Ingrid on the back, “Hey you’re getting faster!”

Ingrid wanted to say _“Barely”_ but nodded and muttered, “Thanks!”

“And you are not checking people as often,” offered Petra warmly. Ingrid had learned after her third penalty not to deliberately run anyone over. The team was being really nice to her even though she was clearly the second worst player. Poor Bernadetta did not like having girls rushing her and slapping balls at her. Coach S was probably going to swap someone else into goalie and Ingrid feared she would get demoted. Then there was the ever present threat of Frisbee Golf.

Coach Byleth was standing in their denim cutoffs and a tie dye shirt. The Frisbee Golf team flanked them, and the whole crew was doing Tai Chi in the center of the track. Ingrid’s eyes followed the gentle movement of the students as they swayed and noticed the members of the wrestling team were engaged in some sort of pull ups contest on one of the pole vault bars. Annette was clearly struggling, but one would never know it with the way that Raphael and Caspar were both enthusiastically cheering her on.

Edelgard was handing her an orange slice, “If you ever want to play pick up street hockey, we meet at four behind the dining hall most days.” Ingrid nodded as she accepted the orange while wondering who ‘we’ was. Edelgard attempted to smile; she was not the warmest person, “Bring some friends.”

***

“Coach S wants me to train with you,” blurted out Ingrid as she chased after Hubert.

The weirdo stopped and turned. “Train? Like I make you a competent field hockey player and you teach me to ice skate?”

Ingrid nodded, “Maybe we could just start with street hockey, do you play that?”

“Obviously,” snarled Hubert. “Edelgard already told me she invited you to pickup, we’re meeting this afternoon.”

“She said to bring people,” started Ingrid hoping to get an idea of how many.

“Oh please do,” said Hubert with a hard to read glint in his eye. “At least two would be good. Maybe not Felix though.”

Right before 4, Ingrid strapped into her roller blades and pulled out her brother’s hand-me-down stick. She’d convinced Sylvain and Ashe to join her. Edelgard and Hubert were there with Lysithea and a gnarly tennis ball at the ready. Hubert smirked at her, “Okay, let’s see what you've got.”

Indrid grinned as she checked him right off the bat. Yet, he wasn’t bad, and she felt pretty evenly matching in the little three on three game they were conducting. Ingrid was fast on her skates, so much faster than on the field, and she was scoring left and right. Hubert was also good on roller blades, and much more confident than he was on the ice. The two of them weren’t bad! Maybe they could teach each other a thing or two.

Eventually the group stopped for a beverage break; Ingrid sucked down her water, and Hubert was destroying a thermos of coffee.

“Why did you kiss Felix?” Ingrid was dying to know, if only to have ammunition to tease Felix with.

“I thought it would get him out of my face,” said Hubert as he touched the scar on his lip, “And it worked.”

“You embarrassed the hell out him,” said Ingrid.

“Good,” snapped Hubert as he took a sip of coffee.

Sylvain came over and slapped Hubert on the back, “Wow you’re not as bad as I thought.”

“Thanks,” grumbled Hubert as he recovered from spitting out his coffee.

“Sucks about the truck man,” said Sylvain as he lazily drank his sports drink.

Hubert shrugged, “People are idiots. I’m getting Ignatz to help me paint it.” Edelgard could be seen shaking her head at the comment.

As they packed up to leave, Ingrid caught up with Hubert, “Hey do you want to meet on the ice tomorrow?” With that the pair started a tenuous friendship around their respective hockey weaknesses.

If life were a movie, this would be the point where the inspirational music would play and a training montage would begin. Ingrid drilled Hubert on the ice, and he drilled her on the field. They were both feeling much improved but two weeks later and they still hadn’t actually improved in game play and the teams were still losing.

“This is bullshit,” muttered Hubert as they finished practicing after the latest loss. “We’re both good at this, if only we could just switch places.”

“I know! Girls should be allowed to play ice hockey,” said Ingrid passionately. In Fhridiad no girl was turned away from the rink.

“Hell, I played field hockey at Enbarr High School,” said Hubert.

“What, why?”

Hubert shrugged, “Edelgard was trying out so I figured I would to, and guess what, I kick ass at field hockey.”

“And the school didn’t have a problem with this,” clarified Ingrid.

“Well, it wasn’t against any official rules, and fuck the people who had a problem with it,” said Hubert as he crossed his arms. Ingrid really thought he was onto something here.

***

Vice Principal Seteth blinked, “You want to join the girl’s field hockey team?” He said it slowly in case there was any miscommunication.

Vestra stared back at him, “There’s nothing in the rules that says I can’t.”

“It’s the _girls_ team,” protested Seteth.

“So?”

“And there’s nothing in the rules against a girl playing on the ice hockey team!” said Galatea as she pointed to the rule book. They’d done diligent research and Seteth couldn’t argue that it wasn’t explicitly against the rules.

“You’ll have to wear the official uniform,” tried Seteth hoping that would dissuade Vestra. “You know, the plaid skirt.”

“It’s a kilt,” retorted Vestra. “Nothing more masculine than a kilt.”

The pair of unlikely allies were staring Seteth down. He sighed, “I suppose if Coaches Catherine and Shamir agree, then I will allow it.” He did not miss the two students low fiving each other.

Coach Cath didn’t want to let Hubert go, and Coach S was super annoyed that instead of helping to train each other to get better they were just swapping places. However, the prospect of a win dangling in front of the two competitive coaches was just too much for them to ignore. The season had been going terribly, this could not possibly make it worse. Seteth had no choice but to run it by Principal Rhea, who thought the whole matter was a little silly and approved it without needing to hear anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to the guy on my HS field hockey team who wore the kilt.


	4. Mall rats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ferdinand goes shopping and likes what he sees.

Lorenz slapped Ferdinand lightly on the back, “You’re staring. Stop!”

Ferdinand couldn’t help it. Hubert Vestra in his field hockey kilt, flapping in the breeze, was quite the sight. The girls wore these tight spandex shorts beneath their skirts, and now Ferdinand was wondering if Hubert was wearing a pair too. Ferdinand got a little hot under the collar as he wished for a strong gust of wind to provide him an answer.

“Vestra is no good, for you or for anyone,” said Lorenz as he put his hands on either side of Ferdinand’s head and redirected the young man’s stare, “You need to look for someone to match how wonderful you are.” Lorenz had pointed Ferdinand’s stare in Claude’s direction, “That is the kind of man you need to be staring at, not that gross gutterpunk in a skirt.”

“I believe it’s a kilt,” tried Ferdinand. He didn’t go back to staring, he had pretty good mental image of Hubert’s pale thin legs dark with hair, adorned with shin guards and a pair of especially crazy knee high socks that appeared to have a very aggressive red panda on them.

“No,” repeated Lorenz. “Absolutely not.”

“I don’t think I’m Claude’s type,” started Ferdinand. “Isn’t he straight?”

Lorenz frowned, “As far as everyone at school knows right now, so are you.”

Ferdinand grimaced as he had to admit that was true. Ferdinand knew he came off as effeminate at times with his love of tea and impeccable fashion, but he wasn’t actually out and thankfully no one was asking. Ferdinand and Lorenz had connected with each other almost immediately when the school year started, and were only out to each other. They were kindred spirits; both with families that had high expectations of marriage and children, and an undeniable attraction to more masculine men than themselves. They were best friends, and they had both come to the same conclusion that they were not attracted to each other. Life would be a hell of a lot easier to navigate if they could just be boyfriends instead of holding out on forbidden crushes.

They were going to support each other and come out, but then some asshole had vandalized Hubert’s truck and they both decided they could wait for college when people were more understanding. Now they were awkwardly flirting with girls and trying to get dates. Lorenz was especially persistent and asking out essentially every girl at school. Ferdinand was fake crushing on Dorothea although he was positive she didn’t think it was genuine. At least Ferdinand’s bright red Fiat would go unmolested by hate speech.

Hubert on the other hand had trolled back his trolls and commissioned Ignatz to paint a great big pegasus to cover the hood of his truck. It looked like something straight off of a heavy metal album cover and made his truck the most undeniably ugly vehicle in the lot.

Lorenz looked pleased as he waved at Marianne, his current fake conquest, in the stands, “Hey, I got us invites to a pool party in your neighborhood for homecoming.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes, Edelgard is hosting. Thank goodness Enbarr is still warm enough to enjoy pools at this time of year,” smiled Lorenz. “Anyone who’s anyone will be there. Maybe you should have the cheer squad sleep over at your house afterward.”

Ferdinand’s parents did express an interest in meeting his new friends. “Okay!”

“Then maybe you can put the moves on Claude,” winked Lorenz.

“At my parents’ place? Absolutely not,” hissed Ferdinand as Manuela began to clap for their attention to get into formation.

“Don’t look up my skirt,” threatened Dorothea as she got into position to stand on his shoulders. Ferdinand did not wish to, he was far more preoccupied with idea of looking up Hubert’s.

***

That night Ferdinand and Lorenz drove all the way to the Enbarr Valley Mall and shopped for new swim trunks. It was delightful to have a male friend who knew about fashion to finally shop with. Lorenz and Ferdinand entertained each other as they went through stores trying on really outrageous fashion and even buying some.

“Hey isn’t that you fake would-be girlfriend?” Asked Lorenz as he squinted at the food court.

“Dorothea’s here?” Ferdinand searched the tables but did not see her.

“There, at the tea place, she’s the barista,” said Lorenz. “Come on I want boba tea!” Ferdinand followed Lorenz to the tea and coffee counter.

Dorothea looked up in surprise that turned to annoyance, “Can I take your order?”

“I will have one boba tea, whatever the purple flavor is, and Ferdie, what do you want?”

“Uh, a pumpkin spice latte sounds nice,” said Ferdinand as he admired Dorothea’s little hat that she had to wear as part of her uniform.

“Okay, two basic bitch orders coming up,” said Dorothea under her breath as she got to work.

Ferdinand bit his lip, she was a tough nut to crack. Lorenz was politely making conversation, “I didn’t realize you worked at the mall, does your family own this place?”

Dorothea looked at him like he was insane, “No Lorenz, my family does not own the second largest tea chain in Fodlan.”

“I thought maybe it was a franchise,” said Lorenz beginning to sound regretful for opening his mouth.

Dorothea rolled her eyes and slid him his tea, “My mom is dead, and my dad is out of the picture. I work here because I would like to buy a laptop for college next year.”

Ferdinand suddenly felt really self conscious about his fancy computer back in his dorm, and the little mini shopping spree he and Lorenz had just gone on. Dorothea started Ferdinand’s latte and then prepared a very tall plain black coffee. “Hubie, enjoying your break?”

Hubert was walking to the register looking warily at Ferdinand and Lorenz. He looked back at Dorothea and gave her a bug eyed expression to which she mouthed “ _I know!_ ”. He paid in loose change for the coffee, “I’m not hating my night, not yet anyway.” Ferdinand could not help but notice Hubert’s painted black nails and the weird fingerless weight lifting gloves he wore as he counted out the coins.

“Are you working till close?”

“As always, do you need a ride home?”

“Please and thank you,” beamed Dorothea as she handed him his regular order.

Ferdinand was staring again, this time at Hubert’s thick black eyeliner. He’d gotten the other side of his mouth pierced and his long black hair was pulled back into a lazy bun. He had a plaid flannel tied and defining his very skinny waist. Ferdinand was at least cognizant enough to keep his mouth from dropping open at the sight. He didn’t want Claude, he wanted this and he wanted it bad.

“What are you looking at?” demanded Hubert as he returned Ferdinand’s stare.

Ferdinand gulped and looked at his boat shoes, “Nothing.”

“See you Dorothea,” said Hubert as he gave Ferdinand and Lorenz some serious side eye before leaving.

Dorothea bit her lip as she passed Ferdinand his pumpkin spice latte, “Oh my. You have a crush on Hubie.”

“I do not,” said Ferdinand as he started to sip to avoid saying anything that might give him away.

Lorenz jumped to his aid, “He has much better taste!”

Dorothea looked delighted by this discovery and was trying not to burst out laughing, “Are you asking him to the homecoming dance?”

“No, I was going to ask you,” blurted out Ferdinand.

Dorothea looked at him skeptically, “Really. You expect me to believe that you like me and not Mr. Grungy Coffee Lover?” She gave him a shrewd and appraising once over, “I think you’re in the market for a fake girlfriend, is that what I’m hearing?” Ferdinand blushed, and Dorothea smirked, “What would the perks of this be for me?”

“I’ll pay for dates, and uh, I’ll get you gifts for our fake anniversaries,” said Ferdinand.

Lorenz smacked his face, “Oh Ferdie, no. This isn’t dating, this is extortion.”

Dorothea extended her hand to shake, “Consider yourself going steady. I like earrings, the bigger the better. And they can be cheap, that’s my style according to _some_ people,” she gave an extra glare to Lorenz.

Ferdinand kept a hold on Dorothea’s hand, “And you cannot under any circumstances tell Hubert that this is a fake relationship.”

Dorothea shrugged, “You know I’m an excellent actress.”

“So, where does he work?” Ferdinand asked as their little negotiation ended.

“Think about how he dresses, and where his employee discount must be,” said Dorothea with a sigh as she looked out at the desolate food court as if trying to will a customer over to get Ferdinand and Lorenz to leave.

“Oh no, he works at Hot Topic,” sighed Lorenz.

Dorothea was cracking up, “I dare you to go shopping there and make him help you.”

Ferdinand gulped, he desperately wanted to. Maybe he could go find some earrings and spy on Hubert. Lorenz was not into this idea and just kept muttering, “Think about Claude, he’s perfect.”

“If he’s so perfect maybe you should go date him,” hissed Ferdinand.

Lorenz got all flustered and marched off to a shoe store. Ferdinand braced himself, and for the first time ever, went into the Hot Topic. It was pretty empty but Hubert was helping a familiar short customer. Lysithea had very much liked Hubert’s knee high socks at the field hockey game and now he was helping her pick a couple pairs that would really channel her “I’m sweet and murderous” vibe.

Ferdinand hopped behind a display so Hubert wouldn’t see him as he reached some particularly high socks down for Lysithea.

“Can I help you find something tonight?” snapped an annoyed voice behind him.

Ferdinand spun and was face to face with a very pale red head. She was wearing some sort of Lolita get up and her name tag read: KRONYA, MANAGER. Ferdinand could feel her eyes all over his boat shoes, rust red shorts, and pale blue polo. He stood out like a big preppy beacon amongst all the black, white, and blood red of the store.

“I am, I um, I am looking for a gift for my girlfriend. This is her favorite store,” lied Ferdinand awkwardly. Oh no, he was so terrible at lying.

“And what does she want?” Kronya became very sweet sounding at the whiff of a sale.

Ferdinand blanked, what had she asked for? All he could think of was Dorothea laughing at him in her barista uniform, “A hat.”

“Well we have a gruesome selection of hats over here,” said Kronya as she marched him past Lysithea and Hubert and straight to a wall of hats. Ferdinand gulped, there were so many to choose from and they were all terribly ugly.

“Is that fucking Ferdinand?” Lysithea asked under her breath as she clutched her pile of trademark character bearing knee high socks.

“Uh, yes,” said Hubert as he followed her to the register.

Kronya was extremely persistent, which explained her role as manager, and went through nearly every hat with Ferdinand. Finally they settled on a very plain floppy black cap, “You could get some enamel pins to jazz it up,” suggested Kronya.

“Okay,” said Ferdinand. It was a little difficult to hear over the very loud and aggressive music in the store.

Kronya looked at the register, “Hubert! Please finish assisting this customer, I need my smoke break.”

Hubert looked less than enthused as he came over. “Trying a new look Ferdie?”

“Actually this is for my girlfriend, Dorothea, who I am dating,” said Ferdinand. Oh no, he sounded like a robot.

Hubert gave him a hard to read look, “Uh, alright then, what else are you buying?”

“I think an enamel pin was what your manager suggested,”

Hubert directed Ferdinand around the wall of vinyl records to the pin display. “Who still plays records these days?” Ferdinand wanted to at least try to establish a friendly rapport.

“I do,” growled Hubert.

“Oh,” said Ferdinand as he focused on the pins. Was a dripping slice of pizza Dorothea’s style? Ferdinand looked at Hubert’s shirt and found it quite aesthetically pleasing; it was black with white lines that looks like little stacks of mountains or sound waves, “Uh, I like your shirt.”

“Do you even know what it’s from?” Hubert asked as he held up two more pins — a weird eye ball and a pink cat — and then shook his head and put them back.

“I uh,” no Ferdinand didn’t know what almost anything in this store was referencing.

“Joy Division, Unknown Pleasures, ring any bells?” tried Hubert.

Ferdinand shook his head, “Is that like, a band?”

Hubert sighed, “Let me guess, you listen to 104.5, Fodlan’s best Top 40?”

“Well, I don’t really listen to the radio,” admitted Ferdinand. There were too many commercials, “I like what’s popular though.”

“If Dorothea is your real girlfriend, you’re going to at least want to familiarize yourself with the basics. She’s a music connoisseur,” explained Hubert.

Ferdinand was feeling bold. “Would you help me learn about music?” 

“Why would I do that?” demanded Hubert.

Ferdinand shrank a bit, “Because you clearly know so much about it!” Hubert just grumbled at the compliment and let the matter rest. Ferdinand was feeling increasingly out of his element as he picked up a rather gory looking skull pin, “Maybe a pair of earrings would be better than a pin.”

“Agreed,” said Hubert as he motioned for Ferdinand to follow him, “Although you’re going to have better luck at Claire’s for Dorothea’s style.” He paused as he studied the display and then picked up a large pair of gold hoops with the word BITCH across the diameter.

“Don’t you think those are a little offensive?”

“Sure, but so’s Dorothea,” said Hubert. “She’ll find it funny.”

Ferdinand took the risk and purchased the hat and the earrings and thanked Hubert for his help. “Uh, maybe I should get your cell phone number, for help with the music thing,” suggested Ferdinand bravely.

Hubert looked completely caught off guard, “Oh, okay.” He pulled a pen out and wrote the number on Ferdinand’s hand. “Don’t expect a quick response.”

“Thank you for your help,” said Ferdinand, perhaps a bit too loudly now that Kronya was coming back from her cigarette break.

Lorenz had gotten a truly fabulous pair of purple pointy toed Chelsea boots while he waited, but Ferdinand had gotten something so much better, Ferdinand had gotten Hubert’s number.


	5. A Mix for Ferdie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hubert attempts to educate Ferdinand

While Hubert waited for Dorothea to finish pulling down the grate in front of the tea counter he pulled out his phone. 8 new messages from an Enbarr area code. This had to be Ferdinand. Hubert smirked as he added the contact as “Ferdie”.

**Ferdie** : Hello, this is Ferdinand von Aegir

**Ferdie** : From school

**Ferdie** : Garreg Mach Prep

**Ferdie** : :D

**Ferdie** : Waiting on your response

**Ferdie** : Pls

**Ferdie** : need music help, to romance my girlfriend

**Ferdie** : Dorothea, btw.

Hubert sighed and thought about what to write. “My spotify username is caffinated_4056. I’ll make you a playlist.”

Was that too flirtatious of an offer? He didn’t really know Ferdinand other than that guy was super bubbly and annoying, in his homeroom, and always challenging Edelgard over everything. The fact that he was now dating Dorothea was really sending Hubert for a loop; his gaydar was really poor apparently. Typical.

“Are you really dating Ferdinand?” Asked Hubert as he put his phone away.

“It’s a very new arrangement,” said Dorothea as she followed him to his pickup.

“I told him he needs to study up on music if he wants to date you,” said Hubert as they walked through the parking lot.

“Yeah he seems like he likes whatever is most popular,” said Dorothea smugly. “What about you, who are we going to get to date you?”

Hubert had no answer to that as he started up his truck as Dorothea hooked up her phone to the audio-jack adapter that fit into his tape deck. She started playing music that Hubert enjoyed but would never sing along to if she wasn’t always making him.

“Ground control to Major Tom,” sang Dorothea in her best imitation of David Bowie. “Come on Hubie!”

Hubert sighed and then started, “Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.” Hubert loved driving around with Edelgard in her extremely nice car, but she usually preferred music that had no lyrics. Sometimes it was just really fun to do car karaoke. Hubert couldn’t sing for shit, but that didn’t stop him when his windows were rolled up and Dorothea was belting out imitations of the guitar rifts of the songs.

Dorothea was texting someone. Hubert smirked at the idea of Ferdinand eagerly hanging on her every word, “Texting your boyfriend?”

“I’m texting Ingrid,” said Dorothea slyly. “I’m checking to see if Felix still hates you.”

Hubert grimaced, “Please don’t.”

“Oh yep, still mad, which is a shame because she and I think you two would make the perfect couple,” sighed Dorothea. “Mr. And Mr. Edgelord.”

“I don’t know about that,” said Hubert uncomfortably as he changed lanes and thought about dating Felix. “I do not think he’s into men, and he’s definitely not into me.”

“Well I’m working on an answer to that for you,” said Dorothea as she continued to furiously text away.

“I don’t think I want to date someone so angry,” said Hubert. He had never even seen Felix smile.

“You don’t exactly strike me as the sunshine and rainbows type,” teased Dorothea.

“I need someone to cancel out all my rain clouds and dark stares,” said Hubert with a sigh as he bobbed his head to _Let’s Dance_.

***

When he got home Hubert flicked on the ice hockey game and booted up his desktop. He pulled out his phone and started to text Ingrid.

**Hubert** : Are you watching the game?

**Ingrid** : Obviously! And we are KICKING ENBARR’S ASS

Hubert rolled his eyes. Enbarr’s professional team sucked this season. Of course they were losing.

**Hubert** : Calm down Faerghus

**Ingrid** : So what’s up, other than our score???

**Hubert** : Please do not read into Dorothea’s texts, I DO NOT want to date Felix

**Hubert** : And please do not tell Felix I was texting you about this

**Ingrid** : No problemo

Hubert stared, that was not a very Ingrid thing to say. He saw the little “…” of a new message being typed.

**Ingrid** : BTW Ingrid is in the bathroom, this is Sylvain!

**Hubert** : x_x

**Ingrid** : D:

**Hubert** : Tell Ingrid I won’t make pick up, I’m going to go die of embarrassment now.

**Ingrid** : Secrets safe with me Hubie.

**Hubert** : There’s no secret! I don’t like him!

**Ingrid** : K ;)

Hubert put his phone down and focused on coming up with a playlist for Ferdinand. He ignored Dorothea’s tastes and indulged himself in making a mix as if Ferdinand wanted to know about his good music instead. He could easily pull together Dorothea’s tastes later. It wasn’t like Ferdinand ever had to see this. Hubert started paging through his favorited songs trying to pick a top 20 of need to know songs. Nothing too scary or hard, but songs to ease Ferdinand into Hubert’s world. He’d start with easier sounds, like The Smiths, instead of Rammstein. That could come later if Ferdinand wished for a serious education.

Ferdinand was annoyingly smiley. He was the perfect cheerleader. Hubert should hate him, but he really didn’t. He really in fact liked watching at the half when Ferdinand effortlessly supported Dorothea on his muscular shoulders. Hubert sighed; Ferdinand was the latest autotune and synth pop, Hubert was classic rock, metal and goth, such a combination would never work.

He pulled up his conversation with Ferdinand.

**Hubert** : What is your favorite band?

**Ferdie** : Carly Rae Jepsen <3

Hubert searched the name and groaned at the results. 

**Hubert** : Ingrid or Sylvain: what is Felix’s favorite band

**Ingrid** : System of a Down

Hubert could work with that.

**Ingrid** : Still Sylvain BTW, I’m holding her phone hostage. Feel free to send dic pix 8=D to torture her

**Hubert** : NO (also it’s 8==D for me)

**Ingrid** : hahaha I send her pictures of deuces

**Hubert** : STOP

**Ferdie** : What is your favorite?

Hubert froze. What if he told him something and Ferdinand listened to it and hated it? Hubert shook those thoughts from his mind, no Ferdinand was dating Dorothea, it did not matter if he like Hubert’s music or not.

**Hubert** : too many favorites, can’t choose one

**Ferdie** : wat r u listen to right now?

Hubert stared again. Who texted like that? He took a deep breath and typed:

**Hubert** : the guess who

Adrestrian Woman was currently blaring from his speakers.

**Ferdie** : I like guessing games :)

Hubert sighed, this loser didn’t even know The Guess Who. Ferdinand was hopeless.

**Hubert** : No. The. Guess. Who. It’s a band.

**Ferdie** : Ohhhhhhh

Hubert put his phone down again and resumed work on his “For Ferdie” playlist. Hubert expected Ferdinand, and his lack of taste, would probably hate this. The playlist quickly became more for Hubert and what he wished Ferdinand would be into. When it was finally tweaked to his liking he let it play him to sleep.

Hubert woke up to a new text that morning.

**Ferdie** : Thank you for playlist, am listening now :)

Hubert realized that the default privacy setting was public on the playlist. He should have never put on all those stupid romantic songs into the mix. Fuck. He figured out a quick save.

**Hubert** : they’re songs you can play for Dorothea

**Ferdie** : Oh right! Thx!

Hubert texted Edelgard.

**Hubert** : Coming over to mow lawn ~30 min; need to tell you about something dumb

**Edel** : How dumb?

**Hubert** : Ferdinand is dating Dorothea

**Edel** : :(

**Edel** : How did that happen!

**Hubert** : IDK

**Edel** : I guess I’m not asking her to homecoming :’(

**Hubert** : We’ll go together

**Edel** : <3…but :’(


	6. The Pool Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hubert and his dad actually have a conversation.

Hubert and Edelgard sat watching the Ice Hockey team which was finally winning now that Ingrid had joined the team. The pair of field hockey players both kept stealing inconspicuous glances at the cheer squad, where Dorothea and Ferdinand were holding hands between cheers.

Ferdinand looked incredibly cute in his dumb pink earmuffs. His bubbly loud voice carried through the arena and filled Hubert’s ears as the cheerleading squad did their little chants.

“I still cannot believe this,” grumbled Edelgard. “You think you’re getting somewhere with someone and then they start dating someone you totally wouldn’t expect!”

Hubert only nodded. Ferdinand had been texting him almost non-stop about music, which had then morphed into asking about video games, food, movies and anything else that popped into Ferdinand’s complicated to understand brain.

Ferdinand played Cooking Mama and Pokemon (but hated battling). Ferdinand’s favorite movie, as of right now, was the animated Beauty and the Beast. Of the Marvel avengers, he said he liked Dr. Strange, and then added as if an afterthought, “OH yeah and Thors’ girlfriend, so hot” which Hubert didn’t quite believe.

Hubert liked Portal. He also enjoyed Beauty and the Beast but would never admit that to Ferdinand, and said his favorite movie was Inception, which Ferdinand had never heard of because of course he hadn’t. His choice marvel superhero was Captain Adrestia, who looked quite like Ferdinand now that he stopped to think about it. Hubert wondered if Ferdinand was a narc making a dossier on him with the amount of information he was trying to collect.

Their text convo had gone down hill from that thought.

**Hubert** : Why are you so curious about me

**Ferdie** : I am spying for someone who likes you ;)

**Hubert** : oh :-/

**Ferdie** : Don’t you want to know who? Lol.

Hubert was afraid it was Lorenz, who Ferdinand spent all his time with. And if Lorenz wasn’t gay, well then Hubert was turning in his queer card and asking for a refund. Hubert hadn’t texted Ferdinand since, and the poor orange haired guy had gotten the hint and stopped texting him too. _Oh well it's for the best_ , Hubert couldn’t start having a crush on a straight guy with a girlfriend. Besides, he had to focus on finishing his college applications, he didn't have time to worry about not dating Ferdinand. 

He wished Sylvain would stop pointing at Felix when the little player wasn’t looking and giving Hubert the thumbs up. However he did have a lot more in common with Felix in terms of aesthetic and taste than any other guy in this school, so maybe it wasn’t too far fetched. Hubert could picture himself driving Felix to a slasher movie while blasting TOOL. That was a much easier mental image than having to take Ferdinand to a dumb ass romcom while listening to Taylor Swift. Ugh. Hubert felt like he was obligated to show Ferdinand the world of dark B movies and hard music. Anything to counteract his terrible taste.

“Maybe I’ll just declare war on Ferdinand,” mused Edelgard quietly. “I’ll use the pool party to mount my attack.”

“You’re going to break them up?” Hubert thought that was brutal, even for Edelgard.

“He’s a bad match for her, he can date someone else,” sighed Edelgard as she stole another glance back at Dorothea.

“I think that’s up to her,” said Hubert even though he completely agreed. He’d love to see those two cheerleaders broken up; Ferdinand would need comforting, and Hubert —. He immediately stopped that disastrous train of thought.

“I didn’t say I was going to force her to date me, she just might prefer me that’s all,” suggested Edelgard. Jealousy towards Ferdinand did not suit her at all, but she did have a big old crush on Dorothea since the school year started. Edelgard sighed, “I’m going to wear that red bikini for the party, show all my cards. What are you wearing?”

“Uh, a t-shirt and shorts,” shrugged Hubert. He didn’t really plan on swimming and no one wanted to see his pale lanky self. He winced as he watched Felix checking someone from the other team and then getting put in the penalty box right beneath where Hubert and Edelgard were seated.

Here was his moment, “Hey, nice hit.”

“Fuck off Vestra,” shouted Felix.

Hubert shrank back, so much for that. Dorothea and Ingrid were wrong; this was never going to happen. It was fine, Hubert had gone 18 years without a boyfriend, what was a couple more months of high school?

Annette, who had gotten rather bulky from working out like crazy over the last few months, was shouting down at Felix. “You want me to punch that guy for you?”

Felix looked back at her and actually smiled. _Oh_ , thought Hubert, _yeah I’m definitely not his type then._ He gave Sylvain a double thumbs down and shook his head while Sylvain threw up his arms into a weak _“I tried bro!_ ” The non-Felix members of the Ice Hockey team liked him much more now that he had traded places with Ingrid, and Hubert honestly looked forward to their pick up games after classes.

***

Raphael had Annette up on his shoulders in the pool and they were utterly destroying Leonie and Bernadetta in a pool wrestling competition. Bernadetta squealed as Annette dunked her. Edelgard was looking impeccable in her tiny red bikini as she surveyed the successful party.

“Oh Edie, you look really great,” said Dorothea with a giant smile as she surveyed the happy hostess.

“Hey, can I get your help prepping some watermelon?” Edelgard asked. Hubert would have totally helped her with that but, oh, wait, this wasn’t about watermelon. Hubert watched the two young women walking inside and decided it was best not to follow. He walked towards Edelgard’s massive back yard instead. That thing always took forever to mow, but Mr. Hservelg always tipped Hubert way more than he needed to and had recommended his services to the rest of the stupidly wealthy development.

The Frisbee Golf team was having their moment of reckoning on the lawn of Edelgard’s mansion. They completely dominated in the informal frisbee tournament. Hubert peeled away from the carnage they were wrecking on the ice hockey team and bumped into Ferdinand.

“Hubert, hi,” said Ferdinand uncertainly. Ferdinand was extremely distracting looking in just his swim suit and nothing else.

“You want a soda, I want a soda,” announced Hubert awkwardly as his mouth got super dry.

They went to the kitchen and that’s where they saw Edelgard standing on a step stool kissing Dorothea. Ferdinand’s jaw dropped, “Oh no.”

“Uh,” said Hubert as he watched the relationship dissolving right before his eyes. “Let’s go to the tv room.” Ferdinand meekly followed him.

“I’m sorry about that, I might have had a head’s up that was going to happen,” said Hubert feeling guilty about it as he and Ferdinand sat down on the couch. He supposed it was his duty to smooth over things for Edelgard as she stole Ferdinand’s girlfriend. Hubert awkwardly brought up Mario Kart on the Switch and handed Ferdinand a controller. Hubert didn’t really know how to console someone over a breakup.

“It’s okay,” started Ferdinand. “It wasn’t really a serious thing.”

Hubert looked at him, “But, it still sucks that someone would do that to you.”

Ferdinand had gotten an alarming shade of red that matched his lobster embroidered swim trunks. “It wasn’t much of a relationship. I was mostly dating Dorothea because I don’t think the person I really like would ever date me.” Ferdinand picked his avatar, Princess Peach. Hubert picked Waluigi.

“Oh,” said Hubert, dying to know who was possibly rejecting Ferdinand’s sunny demeanor from their lives. “Well, they sound like an idiot.”

“No they’re pretty smart,” said Ferdinand as they started a random race track. Rainbow road, ugh, why. Hubert watched his car careen off the track for the third time. Ferdinand smirked, “Smart, but not good at Mario Kart.”

It took a few seconds for Ferdinand’s words to register. Hubert’s head turned slowly to see Ferdinand just staring at him with his giant, cautious, brown eyes. The controller fell from Hubert’s hands and Waluigi began an infinite loop of falling from the track as Hubert grabbed Ferdinand and kissed him.

“You meant me right?” said Hubert as he pulled away, realize he was assuming quite a bit.

Ferdinand practically pulled Hubert on top of him, “Yes I meant you, you and your stupid field hockey kilt and weird socks that I can’t get out of my head.”

Hubert happily pinned Ferdinand into the soft couch and started making out with him. The back of the couch was facing the entryway, so if they were quiet they could probably go undetected. Hubert really hoped no one would catch them on their way out, but not enough to stop himself from sliding his hand up one of the legs of Ferdinand’s swim suit. It wasn’t like Ferdie was keeping his hands to himself, and Hubert released him just long enough to sit up and tear off his shirt.

“Hubert?!” Mark Vestra was at work during his day off because he was an awful workaholic. In actuality, Mr. Hservelg’s care plan was changing and he needed to brief the weekend crew of nurses, but it was still the very last place Hubert wanted to run into his dad at.

Ferdinand immediately bolted away, fleeing the TV room for the kitchen, leaving Hubert to have a shocked staring contest with his father. Mark checked his watch and sighed, “We’ll talk when we both get home.”

Hubert buried his face in his hands as his father walked towards the front door of the Hservelg mansion.

Hubert arrived home before his father and sat in his favorite recliner while imagining what military school in Sreng was going to be like, because that was surely where he was headed. Hubert felt his stomach clench as his father came through the door with a little swooshing of some plastic bags in his hands. Mark set the bags down on the kitchen counter and started making himself a sandwich for dinner.

Hubert waited in silence for his father to come into the living room and break the news that instead of college, Hubert was being sent to the air force (he hated heights!). Mark came in the living room, still carrying the shopping bags, and set them on the coffee table next to his sandwich.

Hubert braced himself as his father pulled something out and tossed it to him, “There you go.”

To Hubert’s surprise it was a massive box of condoms. A bulk store (Mark’s favorite) box of magnums that would, at this rate, carry Hubert through the rest of his life. Hubert gulped and stared at his dad. Mark looked at him, “That’s the brand I use —”

Hubert did not want to imagine his single dad hooking up with women, even though he vaguely knew it was happening. Mark continued, “So be safe. And I picked up this,” Mark pulled a Costco-sized bottle of Astroglide out. “You want water based. Don’t use oil based with a latex condom. And anyway, I think it’s easier to get the water based out in the laundry, so stick with this.”

Hubert studied the liter of lube and the cubic foot of condoms and wondered how much sex his dad thought he was going to be having.

“And this last thing,” Mark pulled out a book, _How to talk to your teens about all kinds of sex_ , and handed it to Hubert.

“I think you’re the one who’s supposed to read this,” started Hubert as he began to page through the highly comprehensive illustrated volume. Hubert paused at a particular drawing of two nondescript males with fingers in places Hubert hadn’t realized they were allowed to go.

“Well why don’t you read it and let me know,” said Mark, clearly not interested in going into the mechanics of sex with his son. “I’ll happily tell you about any STD you can get, and how not to get them,” that was Mark the male nurse talking, “But I don’t really think you and I are having the same kinds of sex.” That was Mark his very heterosexual dad talking.

“I’m not having sex,” mumbled Hubert as he shut the book he would most definitely be reading later. 

Mark looked palpably relieved, “Right, well, then we should set some ground rules. You’re eighteen, so don’t sleep with anyone under eighteen.”

Hubert wasn’t sure, but he believed that Ferdinand was still only seventeen. He’d have to ask when his birthday was. It didn't really matter, Hubert was just happy to make out with Ferdinand at this point. Mark took a bite of sandwich, “And I wait until you’re not home to have someone over, so I would appreciate it if you would do the same.”

“Not a problem,” said Hubert, mortified at the very idea of having any kind of sex while his dad was in the next room over.

“So, was that guy your boyfriend?”

Hubert guessed this was his coming out moment to his dad, who had to know before this although they had never really had an explicit discussion of the matter. They didn’t really talk much. “He’s not my boyfriend.” Hubert paused, “Not yet anyway.”

**Hubert** : [Picture of giant box of condoms and lube with a condom adorned banana for scale] Courtesy of my father

**Ferdie** : OMG

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Marquis von Vestra became Mark Vestra.


End file.
